Recently, I read an article in the newspaper about all the great ways to celebrate the new year with a bang. But from what I can gather, most of you are planning to consume a few libations. And drive home. Let me play Mister Obvious for a second. If you are planning on consuming alcohol this NYE, and you plan on driving, DON’T. You can expect there to be an increase in the number of officers on the road, as is the case with most major holidays. Here are a few basic misconceptions about DUIs:

  1. There is no way to “beat” the charges.
  2. Chewing gum and putting obscure objects in your mouth will only draw the officer’s suspicions even more.
  3. You are drunk, and the officer is sober. Therefore, he is smarter than you at that moment.
  4. It doesn’t even take a trained police officer to figure out that you’re drunk. Most of your friends, who may even be drunk themselves, can tell you’re drunk. So why would you think it takes a rocket scientist to make this determination on the roadside.
  5. Failing two out of three standardized filed sobriety tests has a predictive validity of 90% that you are legally intoxicated. So the officer can tell you’re legally intoxicated BEFORE he offers you a Preliminary Breath Test (PBT).

Enough said. Just stay home. Or set aside a few dollars cab money. Or set aside about 10 thousand dollars for bail money, a good lawyer, court fines and costs, probation oversight fees, and the secretary of state.